tv The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon NBC September 15, 2016 11:35pm-12:38am EDT
roots crew. >> questlove: 534, wisconsin! yeah! >> steve: and now, here he is, jimmy fallon! ? ? [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: oh, hi, everyone! welcome. welcome, welcome, welcome. thank you for being here. thank you so much. welcome to "the tonight show." this is it. this is it. [ cheers and applause ] this is where you want to be.
course. we have republican presidential nominee, donald trump on the show tonight, which means -- [ cheers and applause ] which means security is very tight. on their way in, everyone in the audience had to put their keys into a tray and their deplorables into a basket. [ laughter ] it took forever. it took a long time. [ applause ] it's been a busy week for trump. earlier today, he appeared on "dr. oz" and said that he wants to lose about 15 pounds. [ light laughter ] and his barber said, "hey, come by any tim [ cheers and applause ] just give me time to sweep up and close it. but it seems like everybody's talking about these leaked e-mails from former secretary of state, colin powell. did you see these things? in one, he actually called dick cheney an idiot. [ light laughter ] cheney was very hurt. in fact, he said the comments broke his latest heart. [ laughter and applause ] bring in the cooler heart. powell actually took shots at several politicians in his
for instance, he called donald trump a disaster, and said hillary clinton screws up everything she touches. [ light laughter ] it didn't end there. it seemed like powell had a lot of problems with other people. i mean, take a look at this. first he wrote, "there goes adele singing about another break-up. it's called wine, honey. merlot and move on." [ applause ] >> steve: what? wow. would not accept that. >> jimmy: merlot and move on. >> steve: and move on. >> jimmy: this next one, he says, "what's with this putin-trump bromance? i half expect to see you two in a couple of outdoor bathtubs like that ciis >> steve: wow. [ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: i mean, catty. >> steve: catty. he's really going for it. >> jimmy: finally, he wrote, "pokemon go, try pokemon went. #overit." [ laughter and applause ] #overit. >> steve: he's sending an -- in the e-mail he's doing hashtags? >> jimmy: looks like he hashtagged his e-mail. [ laughter ] oh yeah, yeah, yeah, that's right. >> steve: he's going for it, man. >> jimmy: well, he's just goofing with buddies. [ light laughter ] over on the democratic side, i saw that hillary clinton is
[ cheers and applause ] while next month she'll be featured in "bad timing" magazine. [ laughter and applause ] "women's health"? famously -- oh, a disaster. did you guys see this? yesterday, the director of the fbi suggested that people put tape over their laptop webcams to avoid being spied on. i'm a little concerned, because last night i went home and i man!" [ laughter ] some news from overseas, the chief of the european union is dismissing rumors that he's an alcoholic after he was seen staggering out of a meeting, saying he just has a balance problem. [ laughter ] and hillary clinton was like, "sure, and i was just overheated." yeah. exactly. [ laughter and applause ] vladimir putin was recently
brides who were about to get married. then he told the brides, "okay, into the mail you go. [ laughter and applause ] enough selfies. enjoy new life in florida." this is interesting, here. a new study finds that if you're drunk around sober people, you'll think you're less drunk than if you're around other drunk people. and if you're drunk around sober people, chances are you've got a problem. [ laughter ] "hey, who -- who wants to order some strippers?" [ laughter ] "just me, i guess?" [ hiccups ] no one does that anymore. >> steve: i know. >> jimmy: drunk people. hiccupping drunk. [ hiccups ] i just had tee martoonis. [ light laughter ] this is pretty crazy cool. i just read about a a 100-year-old tortoise named diego, who has singlehandedly saved his species from extinction by fathering over 800 babies.
just keep in mind, somewhere out there, there's a tortoise that's having way more sex than you are. [ applause ] let's keep that in mind. yeah. ? that's right. >> steve: shell. >> jimmy: a 100-year-old tortoise named diego is being credited with saving his species from extinction by fathering over 800 babies. it wasn't easy to meet and reproduce with all those female tortoises, but luckily, diego used some tortoise pickup lines. for example, "want to come back to my house? i'm actually wearing it right now." [ laughter and applause ] these are tortoise pickup lines. >> steve: that's a tortoise pickup line. thank you for explaining that. >> jimmy: then he said, "just to be safe, you're 118, right?" [ laughter ] and finally, he said, "i'm a a tortoise on the streets, but a hare in the sheets." [ cheers and applause ] we have a great show tonight. give it up for the roots!
? [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: it's been a great week so far. there's more ahead. tomorrow night, the one, the only miley cyrus will be here. miley. >> steve: hey! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: miley and i are going to catch up about her new role on "the voice", and we're going to play a fun game together. then she's going to perform for us. so be sure to tune in for that, it's going to be a great show. plus on monday, democratic presidential nominee, hillary clinton will be stopping by. and we have music from ariana grande. it's going to be good. [ cheers and applause ] but first, you're all here on a a huuuge night. [ cheers and applause ] republican presidential nominee, donald trump is joining us tonight. [ cheers and applause ] plus, he's one of my favorite comedians ever, and he wrote a a book called "based on a true
[ laughter ] based on -- it's his life. norm macdonald is on the show tonight! norm macdonald! [ cheers and applause ] finally has a book out. and we have great, great music from kiiara, ladies and gentlemen. she's going to be on tonight. [ cheers and applause ] sounds good. some good dance pop music. guys, it is time for "tonight show" hashtags. here we go. ? hasthtags >> jimmy: here we go. you guys are on twitter, right? do you use twitter? [ cheers and applause ] we use twitter, on our show every single week, so if you watch our show and want to play along, we do this thing every wednesday where i send out a a hashtag and we ask -- like colin powell would do. >> steve: yeah. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: and we ask you guys to tweet out things based on that topic. so, since school is back in session and students are getting to know their teachers, i went on twitter and sent out a hashtag called, "my teacher
tweet out something funny, weird, or embarrassing about a a teacher that you've had. we got thousands of tweets. within 30 minutes it was a a trending topic in the u.s., so thank you for those tweets. [ cheers and applause ] now i thought i'd share some of my favorite "my teacher is weird" tweets from you guy. here we go. this first one is from @amandarooney. she says, "economics professor would walk into class and say, 'all aboard the economic express,' and we all had to respond with 'choo-choo!'" [ cheers and applause ] >> steve: come on. >> jimmy: i like it. >> steve: train of thought. >> jimmy: i think it's cool. that's good. this one -- i'm just gonna keep chugging along. [ light laughter ] this one is from @leoxavierbp. he says, "during an exam, my teacher held up a newspaper with with two holes in it and he spent the whole exam looking at us through those holes." [ laughter ] you know we can see you, right?
she says, "during my junior year at perdue, my professor fake karate kicked a guy for coming in late and ripped his pants." [ laughter and applause ] just trying to do a bit. >> steve: aw. oops. >> jimmy: this one's from @tonymac84. he says, "i had an english teacher in high school that passed out from using three nicotine patches at once." [ laughter ] >> steve: that'll do it. >> jimmy: he had balance problems. he just has a -- he has a a balance problem. this one's from @jamjarlids. >> steve: jam jar lids? >> jimmy: jam jar. >> steve: like jam jar binks? >> jimmy: jam jar. >> steve: jam jar. i love jam jar binks. >> jimmy: no, that's jar jar binks, you mean. >> steve: oh, i thought it was jam jar binks. >> jimmy: no. she says, "our choir teacher tried to convince us that his evil twin brother was going to sub for him for a few weeks. it was him in a fake goatee." [ laughter ] >> steve: he was just having fun, man. >> jimmy: he should not be teaching -- >> steve: just trying to keep it on the real. >> jimmy: no, no, no.
she says, "all of my sisters had the same teacher. last day of senior year, he looked at me and said, 'please tell me you're the last one.'" [ laughter ] it's like, hey. rude. >> steve: rude. >> jimmy: this one is from @belleofbabble. she says, "my fifth grade teacher would put on bill nye the science guy, then glare at the tv and mutter, 'that could be me.'" [ laughter ] my evil twin. >> steve: or my evil twin. craig. she says, "my latin teacher in high school wore all black every day. when we asked her why, she told us she was mourning the future." [ laughter and applause ] there you have it. those are our "tonight show" hashtags. to check out more of our favorites, go to tonightshow.com/hashtags. stick around. we'll be right back with republican presidential nominee, donald trump, ladies and gentlemen. [ cheers and applause ]
so you have 20 more bags. my yoga instructor calls it the death spiral. i call it living the dream. with the blue cash everyday card you get cash back on purchases with no annual fee. it's more than cash back. it's backed by the service and security of american express. i am sebastian artois. ibrewmaster. risktaker.k. i sold everything i had to own a brewery.
we're going to prove just how wet and sticky your current gel antiperspirant is. now, we're going to show you how degree dry spray is different. degree dry spray. these pants always smelled like yoga-aroma. i'd wash them, and it'd be back before i even got to class. finally, i discovered new tide odor defense. it eliminates the yoga aroma. so i can breathe easy hummmmm.
maggie hassan's priorities are working for new hampshire. new hampshire froze tuition. she understands that we need good highway systems. hassan is an advocate for public safety. she's kept
spending under control. and how does maggie hassan by balancing the budget without an income or sales tax. creating a surplus... and by working with anyone and everyone to create a better environment for business innovation. a new senator making fiscal responsibility work for you. i'm maggie hassan
of america. ladies and gentlemen, please welcome donald trump. [ cheers and applause ] ? >> jimmy: it's nice to see you. >> nice to see you. >> jimmy: thank you for coming i appreciate it. >> always love it. >> jimmy: donald, this is getting real. this is --yeah. >> yes, this is getting real, i agree. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: you still have time. do you still want to do this? i meant there's time. [ laughter ] >> we're doing well. it's been really a lot of fun and it's an amazing movement all over the country. it's been incredible, so, no, it's been an honor for me, i have to say. >> jimmy: there's probably kids watching you right now at home watching. they do stay up late and watch our show. [ light laughter ] why should they want to grow up
grow up and be president because you want to help people and you want to help people, there's tremendous problems that people in this country have and all over the world, and if you want to help people, there's no better position to do it from than the presidency. so we can do a lot of good. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: did you always see yourself -- did you always see yourself getting into politics? >> i really never did. i probably wouldn't have done many of the shows that i've done over the years if i had. [ light laughter ] but i never thout happen. four years ago, i really, seriously considered it. and they renewed, as you know, they wanted me to stay and do "the apprentice" and i was doing all of these jobs and -- but i really wanted to do it and ultimately i decided i'd wait and let's see how things go with the country and things only got worse, and i decided to do it. and you know, i gave up a lot by doing this. it's a tough thing. there's nothing easy about it. and i've always heard doing this is a very, very difficult
>> jimmy: it is, right. i mean, it's been a long -- >> it's grueling. it's grueling and -- but at the same time, very satisfying, you know, you see what's happening. you see what's going on, so it's very satisfying, but it's a grueling process. >> jimmy: do you think your business background helps you with campaigning? like, like, like if you have, like, you have to target, like, say you need women from 25 to 40, that age group, do you target that? >> well, i think where it helps --. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's good, right? is that too business-y? >> i'm trying to figure that one out. >> jimmy: i'm halfway through your book. [ laughter ] it's pretty good. it's pretty good. >> we're going to get that one soon. but you know, yeah, i think business will always help. it helps from a country standpoint. it's interesting, when i was doing the primaries, i spent less money than other people and i did better than other people, and that's what we want to do for the country. we want to spend less money and do better. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: talking about how long and grueling it is, have you seen -- what has changed from when you first started
>> well, i think the press has become more and more vicious. i think, you know, it was interesting when i had -- we started off with 17 and you had some of them in here, and one by one by one --. >> jimmy: we had about 15. >> you had about 15 on here, not all 17, but you had a lot of them. but you know, we had 17 people and as it got down, you know, i do notice there's a big difference with the media. i also say though there's even more love out there. people want this to happen. they really want it to happen and you see what's going on even today with the polls where the polls are so good, we just got a great poll from colorado, normally a republican wouldn't do particularly well there, and we're leading in colorado and we're leading in iowa. we're leading in ohio and florida. we're leading all over, and it's been amazing. it's been really amazing. >> jimmy: do you pay attention to the polls? >> oh, i love the polls. >> jimmy: you do? [ laughter ] >> but i don't pay attention if i'm losing or lagging, i never mention it. [ laughter ]
only when i'm winning. >> jimmy: i've noticed that -- little changes. i think your voice has changed a little bit. because i've done -- i hate to break it to you, but i've done impressions of you once or twice on this show. [ laughter and applause ] >> you have. >> jimmy: thank you for letting me do that. >> a very good impression. >> jimmy: thank you. but when you first started running, you were very high viced. your voice was very high, and china, you'd say china and a a lot -- very high. and then you've gotten to a a stage where you were just yelling. you were yelling into the microphone at people and you were yelling at everyone! and like you don't even need the mic. and now you're more of like a a smoky, silky -- [ cheers and applause ] like a donald trump/alec baldwin impression type of voice. that's what you're doing. [ laughter ] and i got to kindly thank you
[ laughter ] it's been amazing to follow and exciting because you say the most shocking things. [ laughter ] i can't even believe. >> but i'm trying not to anymore. >> jimmy: yeah, oh yeah. yes. see, that's changing. yeah. see, that's what i'm talking about, so, yeah. [ cheers and applause ] you do something, because everyone's saying, oh, is there a bromance between vladimir putin and all this stuff and what is the celebrity nickname for you guys and i thought of vlump. but you said, "if he says great things about me, i'll say great things about him." >> well, look, i don't know him. and i know nothing about him, really. i just think if we got along with russia, that's not a bad thing and getting along with other countries, the democrats try to say i like him somehow. i don't like him. i don't dislike him. i don't have any feelings one way or the other. and it's not going to matter what he says about me. if he says good things or bad things about me, i'm going to make great deals for our country. i'm interested in our country.
of our country. and right now, i mean, you see what's happening. you see what's happening just generally speaking, and we have a long way to go, but they do try and pin me into this, and i'm saying to myself, you know, i don't even know him. all of a sudden, you know, they make it like he's my best friend. i don't know him. what i want is what's right for the country. that's all that matters to me. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: first debate -rs hofstra university. lester holt's is moderating. you don't traditionally prepare for the debates. >> well, i prepare. i mean i certainly prepare. i never debated before the other 11 debates. i was in 11 debates, you know, in the primary system. and i loved it. i really liked doing it, but i never debated professionally or from a political standpoint before, but i enjoyed that process. and i look forward to the next debate, and lester is the moderator. i think it's very tough for
a fantastic job and they're trying to game the system by saying trump won the debate because matt lauer wasn't as tough on trump as he was on hillary clinton. and that wasn't it. i mean he was tough on me and he was tough on her. but they're trying to make it so that lester's going to come out and really be tough on me. and i think it's unfair. i mean they're trying to gain the system. so i said, let's not have a a moderator. remember the famous -- you wouldn't remember this, of course. abraham lincoln/douglas. remember the lincoln/douglass debates? >> jimmy: are you kidding me? i watch it all the time on youtube. [ laughter ] >> no moderator. no moderator. i would have like to have seen that. that was supposed to be quite the debate. >> jimmy: but who would go first? who would talk first. >> well i don't know. you know? >> jimmy: flip a coin? do you know what a coin is, by the way? [ laughter ] a coin is tiny, beautiful thing. i got to -- i got to show you. i'll give you a coin backstage. you'll love them. [ laughter ] but yeah. >> no, but the concept of having us both sitting on stage or standing on stage, i like standing much better. but standing on stage and just
to do debates that way. >> jimmy: right. >> i think it would be fascinating for people. i think it would be fascinating. but i think there's a lot of outside pressure being placed on lester that is unfair, but i think it's unfair to me, but that's okay. but i think it's unfair to lester. >> jimmy: yeah, because he's got to really got to over prepare, i guess. >> he's got to hammer me, and i think that's not the right thing to do. >> jimmy: right. >> but matt, i have to say, i thought matt lauer did a a fantastic job in that debate. >> jimmy: we love him. we lovtt too. you've -- you said on our show before that you've never really apologize until -- unless you really feel the need to apologize. >> i don't love apologizing. [ light laughter ] i'm not -- i'm not thrilled about apologizing. but i'll apologize if i'm wrong about something. >> jimmy: yeah. have you ever played the board game, sorry? [ laughter ] >> no, i sort of like monopoly
i see that. yeah. what's your go-to property? >> well, i don't know. i think maybe -- maybe fifth avenue. >> jimmy: oh, yeah? is there a fifth avenue? >> no, but there's going to be. >> jimmy: in real life. you're playing monopoly in real life. yeah, we play different monopolies. yeah. [ laughter ] hillary getting sick have you gotten close to getting sick through this whole campaign? >> is this wood or is this formica? >> jimmy: it's wood. it's a veneer. >> no, i haven't. i've really been -- well we're going, in fact, right after this, we're going to new hampshire we're making a speech up in new hampshire we have a a big crowd and i just got back from ohio and we were in pennsylvania and florida we're all over. >> jimmy: how do you not get sick? >> i don't know. by not thinking about it. >> jimmy: sorry about that. sorry to bring it up.
>> just don't think about it. so far -- >> jimmy: i don't get sick either doing the show but usually on vacations i get sick. >> when you take it easy, it's not so good. no i haven't and i've had --we've had a very grueling schedule. we've had an amazing schedule from one state to the next. sometimes three or four a day, and so far, i'm, you know, staying strong. >> jimmy: and it's not true, right, that i've read that you just -- you eat fast food all the time. >> well, i eat it a little bit when we're traveling because we'll be on the plane and i -- you know, they have a big thing to preserve. they have a name, whether it's mcdonald's or wendy's or any of them, and at least you know what you're getting. i don't want to go into a a restaurant and says, mr. trump would like a a hamburger to go. i don't know what they're going to do to that hamburger. if they like me, i'm happy. if they don't like me -- [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: they're going to spit
even think about that. >> i'm better off with fast food. >> jimmy: more with donald trump when we come back, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ? ? ? ? one smart choice leads to the next. ? it's the beauty of a well-made choice. ? initiating retrieval sequence. target acquired. dang it! ah! come on! astronauts can vote from space. take a break from the election with red or blue tea.
it was doggie destiny was mr. bonejangles expecting the perfect toy at an amazing price? of course not. he's a dog. but that's the beauty of a store full of surprises. you never know what you're gonna find, but you know you're gonna love it. the surface pro, comes with a pen that lets you write on the screen if you try to write, on a plain old mac the difference can be seen get the surface pro (the keyboard detaches from the screen) get the surface pro
discover card. i'm not a customer, but i'm calling about that credit scorecard. (to dog)give it. sure! it's free for everyone. oh! well that's nice! and checking your score won't hurt your credit. oh! (to dog)i'm so proud of you. well thank you. get your free credit scorecard at discover.com. even if you're not a customer. ? ? one day a rider made a decision. the decision to ride on and save money.
? [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome back. we're here with republican presidential nominee donald trump, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] now, this is interesting. mr. trump, if elected, you would be the first president from new york city since teddy roosevelt. >> wow. >> jimmy: and the first president from new york city since franklin delano roosevelt. >> right, sure. >> jimmy: i always get those mixed up, roosevelt and roosevelt. >> that's good company. >> jimmy: that's great company, yeah. uh -- uh -- you're from queens. >> i am. i'm from queens. >> jimmy: and i just saw your childhood home is for sale.
>> jimmy: yeah, there it is. >> that's it. >> jimmy: that's your house? >> that's where i was born. >> jimmy: any -- any fun memories from this house? >> well, i have great parents and i have great brothers and sisters. i had a really good childhood. i was -- oh, that's sad to look at that. i want to buy it. i want to -- i want to buy it. >> jimmy: you have a lot of good memories? >> oh, i love it. >> jimmy: get in any trouble there? were you a troublemaker? >> not too much, no. my parents were very strict and good and loving. they were fantastic parents. >> jimmy: oh, sorry, i'm making you wistful. yeah, sorry for that, buddy. [ laughter ] it's choking me up a little bit. last time we were here, we did a mock job interview because this is the biggest job in the world, president of the united states. can we continue that interview and finish it? because now we're only down to two candidates. >> sure, okay. >> jimmy: clipboard here. [ laughter ] >> i don't know if i like this. >> jimmy: why would you excel at this job? >> because i love people, and i want to do right for people.
[ applause ] how would your coworkers, peers describe you? [ laughter ] >> as somebody who never gives up. we never give up -- we can never give up, right? >> jimmy: what do you like to do outside of work? do you have any hobbies? >> i don't have any time. [ laughter ] i've enjoyed this. this has been very -- i really don't have much time. no, honestly, this has been, like, 24 hours a day. we have just gone all-out. you have to love your family and all of those things but we have very little time. it's amazing. >> jimmy: why do you want to leave your current job? >> because i'm sort of looking to make a lot less money. [ laughter and applause ] a lot. >> jimmy: you're going to have to take a pay cut, i'm sorry.
>> you know, i think i want to, more than anything ever, i want to take over "the tonight show." [ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: it's not available. >> that's never going to happen. >> jimmy: donald, i want to ask you because the next time i see you, you -- you-- could be the president of the united states. i just wanted to note, there's something we could do that's just not presidential really, or something, that we can do now that we're just both civilians. like -- this is -- i'm not liking the sound of this. go ahead. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: can i mess your hair up? [ cheers and applause ] i'll be gentle. i'll be gentle. >> as long as -- the answer's yes, but the people in new hampshire where i'm going to be in about an hour from
[ laughter ] >> jimmy: did you say yes? >> go ahead, with my hair -- [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: yes! donald trump, everybody! >> i'll do it as well. >> jimmy: donald trump, everybody! norm macdonald joins us after there you go. thank you for doing that. [ cheers and applause ] ? ? (vo) maybe it was here, when you hit 300,000 miles. or here, when you walked away without a scratch. maybe it was the day your baby came home. or maybe the day you realized your baby was not a baby anymore. every subaru is built to earn your trust. because we know what you're trusting us with. subaru. kelley blue book's most trusted brand.
it's what makes a subaru, a subaru. we're going to prove just how wet and sticky your current gel antiperspirant is. now, we're going to show you how degree dry spray is different. degree. it won't let you down. as you can see, i build the jet engines, and programmers teach them to talk. so yeah, ge is digital and industrial. so it's indigital. digidustrial. indigenous. shhhh... let's go with digital industrial. for now. digidustrial.
? the bud light party wasn't invited to the debates. but we don't need them. we have debates of our own every night. a hotdog is a sandwich. over bud lights, of course. it's pronounced jif. you cannot outrun a zebra. here's to good natured civil debates. also, it's gif. there's only two left, you should masterpass that, now. hey dude. i masterpassed it. she sounds cranky. she wants her fruit chews. masterpassed. oh jane, you're getting a ticket. nope, it's been masterpassed. what's with this one?
>> jimmy: hey. nice to see you, buddy. >> nice to see you, sir. that was something else, man. >> jimmy: that was unbelievable, right? >> my goodness. talking about the lincoln/douglas debates. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: absolutely. >> i remember those debates because i remember if you were there, lincoln won. but if you were at home and never heard it all, people would go for douglas. >> jimmy: yeah. >> that was the time lincoln >> jimmy: yeah, yeah, he had a a beard. yeah. >> but it was amazing meeting donald trump backstage. my lord, what a larger than life character. and i shook his hand, biggest hands i've ever shook in my life. [ laughter ] like andre the giant or -- >> jimmy: is that right? >> -- johnny bench with his catching mitt on. >> jimmy: johnny bench with his catcher's mitt on. >> i mean, my god, donald trump. but i got to tell you, i was -- i'm not usually a political person.
>> and i hate to say this with mr. trump in the building, but i got to make a stand and i say that if he wins, as the president, i vow, here on "the tonight show," that i will move to a different apartment. i will. [ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: different than the one that you're in now? >> different. >> jimmy: you heard it here first. >> like maybe in chinatown. >> jimmy: yeah -- yeah, you're already from canada. >> i am from canada. i can'te i voted for justin trudeau. >> jimmy: yeah, there you go. i dug that guy. >> oh, my god. he's -- he's in my book, "based on a true story." >> jimmy: you brought your own book. >> yeah. >> jimmy: i have it out here. you don't have to -- but you -- i have the same one. i have a similar copy. i have a similar copy. but this is -- [ laughter and applause ] >> we've got twice as many books. >> jimmy: is it easy writing
uh -- someone once said, "a life unexamined is not worth living." >> jimmy: yeah. >> i mean it was socrates. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah, someone. >> but uh, it turns out that's not true. you know, what does socrates know? but he um -- here's what happens. you sit down, you go okay, you try to examine your life, you go okay, i wake up, i eat some count chocula. [ laughter ] i -- i watch the gals from "the view." because i think they're a hoot. >> jimmy: yeah. [ laughter ] of course they are. >> and -- and i phone my friend. i go, i got to get -- you want to get some lunch? i've almost digested my count chocula. [ laughter ] and then i -- at lunch, i'm thinking about, who the hell am i going to eat dinner with? >> jimmy: that's a day. >> isn't almost all your life finding and eating food? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah. it really is.
>> jimmy: you didn't think people would be interested in that? >> no. so anyways, i took -- you know, i took off. you know, i decided to have bomb shells -- i knew i needed bomb shells for this kind of a book. it's not a tell-all. it's a -- tell-some. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's interesting. yeah. >> it's a word i coined. >> jimmy: out of the whole book, what percentage of it is true? >> i "kerned." >> jimmy: yeah, you kerned that term. >> how much of the book, percentage-wise is true? >> jimmy: yeah. >> 50% true, 70% false. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: very interesting. what do you -- what do you have in your book? do you have a receipt or something in there? >> oh, this? no, this, i thought mr. trump was here and he was on dr. oz and he released his medical records. [ laughter ] so, i decided, as, you know,
[ laughter ] >> yeah, i "kerned" that term. i decided that i would release my -- i think the american people deserve to know. >> jimmy: absolutely, yes. [ cheers and applause ] you don't have to do this, norm. >> i know, but i feel that it's -- it's my duty. now, i will say, i'm a little nervous because i've not looked at this. my doctor gave it to me directly before the show. >> jimmy: it's a sealed envelope. >> sealed envelope in the front wagnall's -- my memory's gone, baby. >> jimmy: oh, no, no. >> okay, so, here it is. okay. it's only one page. he gave me a blank page. >> jimmy: what kind of doctor is this? >> "i can attest that mr. mac donald's blood pressure is an astonishingly excellent
>> jimmy: hey, fantastic. that's great. that's good. [ cheers and applause ] >> "mr. macdonald has the physical endurance of ten men half his age." >> jimmy: oh, my goodness. this is unbelievable. >> "mr. macdonald's spleen is, i want to say, good." >> jimmy: your spleen is, okay, i want to say good. >> "his pancreas is --" and then he just drew a winky face. >> jimmy: oh, no. i don't know what that means. >> i don't know if that's good i have -- i got my result from my pap smear. [ laughter ] i passed with flying colors. yeah. >> jimmy: congratulations. [ applause ] >> they -- they smeared my pap. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: oh, man. >> "norm macdonald's liver is fantastic." oh, "just kidding, it's black and necrotic." [ laughter ] >> jimmy: oh, my god.
why would he joke like that? he's a doctor. >> what kind of joke is that? "just kidding." [ light laughter ] that's right. [ laughter ] okay. "his urine test --." >> jimmy: oh. >>"-- indicates that mr. macdonald has --" oh my god. oh, it says, "he is more virus than host." [ laughter ] oh, my golly. and it says, "mr. macdonald has one hour to live." >> jimmy: oh my -- >> oh, this is terrible news. oh, wait. no. it's all right. i just remembered, i didn't use my own urine for the test. yeah, yeah, because of the massive amounts of steroids i use for body building. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: so you used someone else's urine? >> i used my buddy's urine instead, this is great. what a great day.
no, no. this is bad. norm, your buddy has one hour to live. >> oh. >> jimmy: don't you want to call him? >> oh, i'll call him. golly, he only has one hour to live. you know, i want him to make the best of it. >> jimmy: yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. you going to call him right now? >> yeah, i'll call him. [ phone ringtone ] [ laughter ] >> jimmy: oh my goodness. oh my goodness. oh my -- oh my goodness. this is -- this is terrible. you guys, norm macdonald, "based on a true story, a a memoir" is available september 20th. we'll be right back with a a performance from kiiara. stick around, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] ? ha-ha-ha! um-hmmm! hey! nikki! what are you doing here?
you've been streaming my videos all morning. now you're with this thing? no! it's not you! it's verizon! they limit my data. i had to choose. come on, girl. let's get us a man with unlimited data. why pay verizon more for data limits? introducing t-mobile one. one price. unlimited data for everyone. how are you doing today? that's how i am. with the blue cash everyday card you get cash back on purchases with no annual fee. my only concern is that this is where we put food. a dog's foot is cleaner than a human's mouth. is it? cleaner than my mouth. it's more than cash back. it's backed by the service and security of american express.
give it up for kiiara! [ cheers and applause ] ? ? gold up in my gold up in my teeth gold up gold up in my teeth ? ? don't care what you say to me i'ma bite your feelings out gold up in my teeth ? ? i missed you in the basement but your brother was a good substitute for you ? ? and if you love me love me but you never let me go when the roof was on fire ? ? you never let me know say you're sorry honey but you never really show ? ? and i could l eave the party without ever letting you know ? ? without ever
roof is fallin let me love ? ? me falling i just know roof is falling let me love me without ever letting you know roof is falling ? ? roof is fallin let me love me falling i just know roof is falling let me love me without ever lettin you ? ? know roof is falling roof is fallin let me love ? ? me falling i just know roof is falling let me love me without ever letting you know roof is falling ? ? let me love me falling i just know without ever letting you know gold up in my ? ? gold up in my teeth gold up gold up in my teeth taste like money when i speak gold gold up in my teeth ? ? and i missed you in the basement yeah gold up in my teeth bodies on the pavement ? ? and if you love me love me but you never let me go when the roof was on fire ? ? you never let me know
and i could leave the ? ? party without ever letting you know without ever letting you know roof is falling let me ? ? love me falling i just know roof is falling let me love me without ever letting you know roof is falling ? ? let me love me falling i just know roof is falling let me love me without ever letting ? ? you know roof is falling let me love me falling i just know roof is falling let me ? ? love me without ever letting you know roof is falling let me love me falling i just ? ? know without ever letting you know gold up in my gold up in my teeth ? ? gold up gold up in my teeth taste like money when i speak ? ? gold up gold up in my teeth and i missed you in the basement ? ? yeah gold up in my teeth bodies on the pavement and if you love me love me but you never ? ? let me go
say you're sorry honey ? ? but you never really show and i could leave the party without ever letting you know without ever letting you ? ? know roof is falling let me love me falling i just know roof is falling let me ? ? love me without ever letting you know roof is falling let me love me falling i just know ? ? roof is falling let me love me without ever letting you know roof is falling let me love me falling ? ? i just know roof is falling let me love me without ever letting you know ? ? roof is falling let me love me falling i just know without ever letting you know ? ? without ever letting you know without ever letting you know ?
ayotte claims she's independent, then goes to washington and votes with the koch brothers 90% of the time. she takes millions from wall street and big drug companies, and then votes to put their agenda before everyday families. higher drug prices and cutbacks to our medicare. so, think about it: new hampshire can choose the special interests' senator with kelly ayotte... or a people's senator, for a change. i'm maggie hassan and i approve this message. i'm maggie hassan ? with simply right checking from santander bank, just make one deposit, withdrawal, transfer or payment each month to waive the monthly fee. and there's no minimum balance. you're alright... with simply right checking from santander bank.
? [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy kiiara, once again. [ cheers and applause ] and the roots right there from philadelphia, pennsylvania. [ cheers and applause ] stay tuned for "late night with seth meyers." thank you for watching. have a great night. i hope to see you tomorrow. bye-bye, everybody! [ cheers and applause ]